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Wednesday, July 7th, 2004

Subject: Wasting Time
Time:11:03 am.
Mood: drained.
GAH! I'm really bored!

I can't wait until this weekend, then i can actually go and do something. I have been grounded/not. Yeah i got in trouble because i took the car without asking, so they grounded me. But then they took me shopping and bought me a whole bunch of stuff. Wow my parents know how to punish kids. But yeah, this entry is really boring. Next week is gonna be interesting, I'm going to a local volleyball camp. I have never been to a camp in my entire life, so I'm kinda nervous. Going to a place for a couple days not knowing anyone there. But I think my friends Jordan and Laura are going to be there. WOO yeah I'm done wasting your time by telling you dumb stuff about my life.

Wednesday, June 9th, 2004

Subject:Im not really drunk, i just think it looks cute
Time:7:39 pm.
Mood: drunk.
YAYYYYY! School is finally out! I feel FREE! Okay im really bored and yeah im stupid. But A couple days ago we met our new basketball couch and i really like her. She seem like a hardass but i love her. It was kinda funny because when we left to go home after the meeting one of my friends got a flat tire. You had to be there. Yawn..... grr im bored! And yeah im not ready for summer baskeball to start. Im soooo out of shape...its not even funny. I haven't ran hard since like the end of January. I have a basketball camp thing with our new couch all next week, and she seems like she likes to watch us run. But yeah......

Sunday, June 6th, 2004

Time:11:20 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
I just got back from hanging out with yaz and it was fun. We walked and talked around riverfront park. It doesnt sound fun, but it was. It was crazy there was a pigeon and we tried to chase it then it wouldn't move. So then we petted ( i don' think that is a word, but oh well. Now it is) it and it was kinda scary because we thought it might go crazy and attack us. But yeah im going to go to sleep. I love to sleep!

Subject:Did i ever asked for sympathy?
Time:8:27 am.
Mood: mellow.
To: Shanna and all her little friends that are trying to bring me down.
1) Do I even talk to you?
2) Last time i checked you get mad when you mom tells you to feed the dogs, don't you?
3) Who got a lot of people to like you?
*hint- me remember when they called you chubby bunny. I told them to stop and when you get to know her you'll like her.
4) Didn't I stand besides you and defended you when they made fun of you?
5) Haven't i tried every time we fought to make it better?
6) Did i ever ask for your sympathy or anyone else's?
7) Do you what its like when you and your brother have to be the parents to your own parents?
8) Have you ever experienced someone try to kill them self in front of you or rage on you?
I dont even know why i waste my time on you. I dont even see why you would be oh "do you want sympathy?". I dont even talk to you,so how in the hell would you know whats going on. I never asked for sympathy, i just cry alittle because it hurts to see my family breaking apart....is that not normal? I'm not asking for anything, especially from you. So what if i cry, you cry over Jake. You know the day that Kyra got mad cause she thought i didn't want to talk to her. If i was asking for sympathy, wouldn't I go off and tell her everything and cry about for days? But i didn't did i? So how in the hell you get that I'm asking for sympathy? That entry, i was just being stupid...i was upset over nothing i even say in the entry. Are you that stupid not to see it? I think i said something like...." I'm just being a stupid girl." Here i'll tell what that means since clearly you dont know. It means that I'm upset over stupid stuff, so ignore what I'm saying and getting all emotional. If this is a stupid act to try get me back. It was really pathetic... nice try. If you are trying to hurt someone you actuelly have to try. Thats what that word means .....try. You should try thinking before you speak also, you would make more sense.
1 Comment | Comment

Saturday, May 22nd, 2004

Time:11:22 am.
Mood: excited.
I can't believe it we had a tornado waring, in Washington. I didn't think it was possible. I can't wait until later, the news said that we are gonna have more thunder storms coming later this after noon. I love when it rains and when it is combined with a thunder storm! Last night around 9:00pm I lost my power and it was kinda funny. It was pitch black and i was walking around trying to find a lighter. And i kept tripping over chairs and whatever came close. But when i was trying to find some candles the metal on the lighter was burning me. Damn that hurt. But oh well .....i thought it was funny. It was a "you had to be there" thing.

Thursday, May 20th, 2004

Time:5:24 pm.
Mood: worried.
Today was really boring, but it got really weird. I was walking home from school and i saw that all the blinds in front of my house were pulled down. Thats weird because we never shut them and they are half covered by a curtan thing. So i get home and my mom calls. She asked me if i have seen my dad. And i said ya right before i left to go to school and he asked me who called earlier. Then she went on that nobody has seen my dad or talked to him since yesterday except me.he didn't even go to work and he always goes to work. Now everybody is worried. He didnt take any suitcases that i could see. He could of took the cloths he had from when we went to Montana. Cause i dont think he un-loaded his cloths yet. I dont know i really wish he wouldn't do this.

Tuesday, May 18th, 2004

Time:4:17 pm.
Mood: ecstatic.
I LOVE MONTANA!!!! I haven't been there in sooo long. I can't wait until I go back! I think my parents might take me back Memorial Day weekend, woohoo. I know I'll be going to back this summer. I'm trying to talk my dad to let me stay for half the summer. But i dont know if he will though because when me and my cousin get together we cant stop partying. And the other cool thing is that her parents dont really care unless I drive drunk or something unsafe. My parents dont really like to promote it but they let me, cause they know i would do it sooner or later. They want to know when i do it and be safe about it. But i love it over in Montana..... nobody cares how much money you have or what you look like. They still talk to you and make you have fun. But on saturday, oh my god it was fun. My cousin started drinking at 11:00am so she was pretty gone all day and night. i didnt start until 5:00 pm around there but it was funny because i had some guy buy me a drink and then i was on the second one and then my dad caught me. I guess I'm supposed to ask before. So i was in trouble for like 2 seconds, but for some reason i thought that was funny. Because he is like you are in trouble and then turns around and buy me a drink. But i have no clue how many i had i know i had more than 7mixed drinks and 4 beers. i not sure i kinda lost count. But yeah it was fun. My cousin got so drunk that she got all emotional and started to fight with everybody. She kicked my dad and her brother in the nuts.... it was soo funny but then kinda shitty because it had to hurt.

Wednesday, May 12th, 2004

Time:6:21 pm.
Mood: sick.
Ahhhh I'm sick! And I'm lonely. I wish someone was here to take care of me, like my mom or something. God I'm such a little girl. I miss how you know when your mom makes you soup and covers you up with a blanket. I miss those times. I'm kind of tired so I'm gonna take a nap.
1 Comment | Comment

Tuesday, May 11th, 2004

Time:7:44 pm.
Mood: confused.
Who am I?
Am I the girl everyone sees me as? The one that is usually happy and doesn't let things get her down. And pretend the problems in her life aren't bothering her. If something is bothering her it only bothers her for maybe an hour.
Or am i the girl who sits here staring out the window for something or someone to take her away from this place. It's like I'm living in two different worlds. One is the whole popular (which really I'm not) and playing sports world.
And the other one is the one where i am alone. And all depressed and shit about the life I'm living and the people living in it. Nobody really knows about that world or cares about it. I can't figure out who i am. I can't even describe myself and I don't fit in any "group". I'm just a stupid girl. Hey i fixed my computer.......yayy!
7 Comment | Comment

Time:11:08 am.
Mood: pissed off.
GRRRRRR! I hate computers! Someone got into my computer and is downloading a whole bunch of crap. And it's ruining my computer. I hate stupid people! Ah, i don't feel good either. Oh well. For all the people that i talk to on-line, I'm not gonna be on for awhile. Unless I'm at school and use their computer like I'm doing right now. But yeah this entry is really boring......sorry

Thursday, May 6th, 2004

Subject:I realized
Time:5:58 pm.
Mood: tired.
I had an okay day. I was a little bit tired since i was up way past my bed time:). But yeah I realized that I'm not going to have much of a future. I'm not pretty and not smart. It is gonna be awesome, i gonna work at minimum wage for the rest of my life. Woohoo...... crap not I'm mad cause i'm gonna end up like my mom. My mom is flippin insane and not well educated, but then she is. Its really weird. She is more common sense then book smart. It looks like it runs in the family. And my dad is book smart, so that makes me in the middle and they kinda cancel each other out. I dont know i should say anymore cause she might read this. But yeah i didn't have a shitty day, i just was tired.

Wednesday, May 5th, 2004

Time:5:42 pm.
Mood: lonely.
Today my spanish class went on a "field trip" to a Cinco de Mayo thing at EWU. It was really boring. And i think 2 of my friends got mad at me for some reason. One seems that lately she has been on constant PMS or something. It's probably me,( I must of pissed her off by moving or something retarded. Since I'm so good at it, life is great. i don't understand it, some how i do it ......piss people off. Makes no sense. But besides the lame "trip" i, had my day was okay. AH! I want someone to be here. Like a boyfriend or something that will put its arms around me. So i can feel cared about or some crap like that. GUYS OUT THERE, YOU GUYS ARE SO LUCKY! YOU DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH STUPID GIRL STUFF.

Monday, May 3rd, 2004

Time:4:24 pm.
Mood: cheerful.
Today was a pretty good day. i got to wear my new clothes and everybody said i looked good. And nobody got mad at me, but one was being kinda annoying. She is like "oh pity me and everything i do is so much better than you." Or every answer she gives is right when your she is totally or your answer is possible. But i really don't care at the moment, cause I'm getting my tatoo re-done at 6:30. I got it done in Mexico but some how after it scabbed over all the color came off. But my mom got the same thing i got, at the same time and hers is fine. I think the guy didn't go deep enough. Ahhh! It's gonna hurt! I'm getting it on my foot. I'm kinda scared but then not cause I've already been threw it.

Sunday, May 2nd, 2004

Subject:The reasons why I'm mistake
Time:7:36 pm.
Mood: angry.
The reasons why i am gods biggest mistake:

1) I can't do any thing right to anyone
2) I some how piss everyone off
* how i talk
* how i walk
* how i look
* how i dress
* how i express myself
* you name it i can piss someone off.
3) I'm the poorest example of a girl/women (I'm fat...)
4) I'm the worst friend anyone could have
5) I make anyone that comes close to me, their life suddenly turns into hell
including parents (their marriage ended because of me)
6) I'm not smart.....great future I have. Look out America here comes you future coworker
7) I'm the worst daughter
8) the worst sister

-------- you name it, it some how is my default-----------

1 Comment | Comment

Time:12:32 pm.
Mood: depressed.
I'm really bored! Yesterday was depressing/okay. I went with my mom to get my hair done, and that was fun. I was seeing what my hair would look like for prom. Since it's next weekend. But the depressing part was we went shopping after wards and i guess i've gotten bigger. And i just wanted to die! I started to cry in the store, now how pathetic is that? I hate it, why do i have to be born with this body? I barely eat anything! I have a slim fast drink for breakfast, an apple for lunch and a 1/2 sandwich for dinner. i dont get it. Grrrrr! But then i just said to myself i need some clothes ans so i'll just buck up and get the bigger size. And then this gay guy was drooling all over my hair etc. and it was kinda funny cause i saw one of my friends brothers saw me and they were laughing etc. but i did get some really cute clothes even though they're size two hundred. I'm watching Twister. I don't know why but i really like this movie.

Thursday, April 29th, 2004

Subject:Have a nice day!
Time:3:59 pm.
Mood: bored.
i was really bored in science today, so i wrote this.

Why me?
Why can't everything be okay?
Why do I have to live this life each day?
Why can't everything just go away?
Why do I have to be the funny one?
Why can't I have the pretty face?
Why does everyone see them as great?
Why can't they see that they are fake?
Why do I imitate?
Why can't i eliminate?
Why do I have to be so happy when the things in my lifeare

* Why waste life worrying and thinking about the bad things. When i can look at a brighter day.

Every time I turn around
I'm looking up they're looking down
Every time i take a step
I start to lose a breath
Every time I see myself
I cant help thinking, why i was left?
Every time a day goes by
I feel like a part of me wants to die
Every time I feel like dieing
Instead of telling the truth, I start lieing
Every time i talk to them
I pretend that just one of them
Nothing wrong,nothing less, a perfect life is what I'm not gonna get.

I had a okay day. A friend got mad at me for the stupidest reason, because I disagreed. And I found out that one of my new kittens is a girl. So now I don't have to worry about gus thinking that I'm a freak. Nameing my cat Gus, even though I I was wanting to name cat after the mouse on Cinderella. So there names are Oz and Amy.

Wednesday, April 28th, 2004

Time:7:59 pm.
Mood: happy.
I just got 2 new kittens. They are sooooooo cute! One is all black with white feet and i named him Oz. The other one is white with a half black face, black spots and tail. but i don't know what to name him. i wanna name him Gus after the fat mouse on Cinderella. But there is this guy i think is cute and he's name is Gus and i don't want him to think i'm obsessed with him or a stalker. I might name him Elliot. I don't know

Subject:Same shit different day
Time:5:04 pm.
Mood: blank.
Same Ol' same ol'. Today was just another day. Wake up, go to school ,go to my classes, and come home. I had a Math test woohoo, i think i did allright. But nothing special. It wasn't the greatest day....but whatever. i kinda feel like i don't have a place to go or a group of any kind. Meaning of friends kind of group. I don't know..... i feel like my friends don't care for me. Maybe i'm retarded, because i had a lame day. The rest of the day is gonna be boring. SOme of my friends went to an ambeo concert. I could a went but decided not to... wow this entry is really dumb. Hey wait i get to go get a kitten.....yay i like kittys.

Tuesday, April 27th, 2004

Subject:Sweet 16
Time:6:57 pm.
Mood: annoyed.
Yaaaaaayyyyy! I'm 16. Eventhough my b-day was 2 days ago. But it was fun. I got to hang out with my closest Jordan,Kayla,Maira,Yasmin,Kyra,and Shanna.Well it was fun sometimes. The only part where it wasn't fun was is where my friend Shanna was being a bum. It really makes me mad. She acts all different when she is around Yasmin. She acts like she is this badass, but with me and kayla etc. She is all hahaha I'm fun. That sounds really dumb but if you hung out with us you would see what i mean and get really annoyed. But besides that it was okay. i got a cadillac for my B-day, it is the funnest thing ever! It's white and with white leather. When i drive it, it feels like I'm driving a boat. it sooo old, but then its awesome. Yesterday was kinda boring,but then me and yasmin hung out. Which was pretty entertaining. Never give that girl sugar! Today was pretty lame, my friends Grandpa is really sick and so she was really upset. Its like this year is the year where everybody loses a loved one or a loved one gets hurt.

Friday, April 23rd, 2004

Time:2:06 pm.
Mood: pissed off.
Today I stayed home from school, and I'm bored as hell. I decided to stay home because I started thinking of all the things that has happened. And then i couldn't stop crying and wondering why do I have to have the worst luck. My parents are insane, always fighting and bring me in the middle. And then eventually blame me for their mistakes. I'm convicted that the one person who i could talk to was killed. Then a couple days after her death a serve motorcycle accident happen where other loved ones was in. Kim ,my moms sister,had brain damage in this accident and Lonnie's ,her husband, whole right side of his body was shattered. And years before that another loved one who did nothing wrong died. Shot by a cop, the cop "thought" that he was the guy who was robbing the place. He was the owner not the robber. It is like my family is cursed. So many thing has happened, when bad news or things that happen it seems normal. The only reason I'm starting this journal is to get out all my problems and stop holding them in. It is to much stress, and this is a better way to get a handle myself.

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You're looking at the latest 20 entries. Missed some entries? Then simply jump back 20 entries.